Lena isn't sure she trusts it anymore. She always used to. Or maybe what she's fixating on isn't love at all. They said they made each other better and that's what love means. How amazing and how terrible that in five days, in one night, that can all be placed in such a far away thing that's out of her reach. Maybe he does love her. Maybe he's mistaken it for something else.
She just can't feel it since that night. Maybe she hasn't let herself. She honestly doesn't know.
"I was..." Lena takes a deep breath and looks away, wiping at her cheek. "I was furious and I was confused and on top of all of that, I felt like the scraped gum at the back of someone's shoe. And on top of all of that, I was scared. Do you--do you even realize if you hadn't been wearing that ring, you'd be dead? You'd be dead."
Her voice cracks on the last word and she can't help it. That's what got to her the most. It wasn't the yelling, because she was yelling and berating him herself, and what happened with Vlad had taken a back seat to the pure panic that took over when she literally thought he'd die. That they wouldn't make it out alive. That Sonny would be told he's lost one or two more of his family.
It isn't that she doesn't trust his abilities or she doesn't think he's good at what he does. But when it came down to it, they were outnumbered and a good chunk of them were demons, wired to be inhumanly strong and he was the one they'd attack with the intent to kill since he was the one that threw the first punch. The thought of losing him--that is what made her physically ill.
Lena only looks back his way once he starts explaining. She starts to get that feeling again as the pieces click into place. It's a pattern, it's a trigger, something similar if not on a lesser scale happened with Rick and that strip joint. His anger wasn't really about her and Vlad. She'd ask what it is, what happened to him or someone he's loved. She'd press if she had any idea where they stand. But she doesn't, and the uncertainty wins. And maybe it's important that she accept the apology before she knows the exact reasons.
It requires a level of faith that isn't always in someone to give. But she'd want that. She'd want someone to see the demon and still care and see something not ugly. Still look and see Lena despite whatever else she did or felt or said. There isn't a more difficult test in love, she thinks.
"I don't--" she shakes her head and curses herself inwardly for the blur of tears that don't let her see straight. "I don't know what impression you gave me anymore. Everything about that night is just a big blotch. I know how difficult it must've been for you to see someone you care about being treated that way. It was a horrible mission where nothing went right and I never want to do any thing similar to that again. Sonny and Gates and John, none of them would've reacted any differently if they'd seen me or Zoe like that. Not even Lou."
Some of them would've reacted worse. Especially John if it'd been Zoe. There'd have been murder, no questions asked.
She sighs and turns to look at him, face crumpling slightly at the burn in his eyes that mirrors her own. I'm sorry, Lena. "I know you are. And I forgive you for it, for all of it. You're still Lucky to me, I just didn't have the words till now."
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She just can't feel it since that night. Maybe she hasn't let herself. She honestly doesn't know.
"I was..." Lena takes a deep breath and looks away, wiping at her cheek. "I was furious and I was confused and on top of all of that, I felt like the scraped gum at the back of someone's shoe. And on top of all of that, I was scared. Do you--do you even realize if you hadn't been wearing that ring, you'd be dead? You'd be dead."
Her voice cracks on the last word and she can't help it. That's what got to her the most. It wasn't the yelling, because she was yelling and berating him herself, and what happened with Vlad had taken a back seat to the pure panic that took over when she literally thought he'd die. That they wouldn't make it out alive. That Sonny would be told he's lost one or two more of his family.
It isn't that she doesn't trust his abilities or she doesn't think he's good at what he does. But when it came down to it, they were outnumbered and a good chunk of them were demons, wired to be inhumanly strong and he was the one they'd attack with the intent to kill since he was the one that threw the first punch. The thought of losing him--that is what made her physically ill.
Lena only looks back his way once he starts explaining. She starts to get that feeling again as the pieces click into place. It's a pattern, it's a trigger, something similar if not on a lesser scale happened with Rick and that strip joint. His anger wasn't really about her and Vlad. She'd ask what it is, what happened to him or someone he's loved. She'd press if she had any idea where they stand. But she doesn't, and the uncertainty wins. And maybe it's important that she accept the apology before she knows the exact reasons.
It requires a level of faith that isn't always in someone to give. But she'd want that. She'd want someone to see the demon and still care and see something not ugly. Still look and see Lena despite whatever else she did or felt or said. There isn't a more difficult test in love, she thinks.
"I don't--" she shakes her head and curses herself inwardly for the blur of tears that don't let her see straight. "I don't know what impression you gave me anymore. Everything about that night is just a big blotch. I know how difficult it must've been for you to see someone you care about being treated that way. It was a horrible mission where nothing went right and I never want to do any thing similar to that again. Sonny and Gates and John, none of them would've reacted any differently if they'd seen me or Zoe like that. Not even Lou."
Some of them would've reacted worse. Especially John if it'd been Zoe. There'd have been murder, no questions asked.
She sighs and turns to look at him, face crumpling slightly at the burn in his eyes that mirrors her own. I'm sorry, Lena. "I know you are. And I forgive you for it, for all of it. You're still Lucky to me, I just didn't have the words till now."